and how those reminders can hurt …
Listening to the Archers omnibus this morning and (not a spoiler) seething at the oft-repeated cliche that being a parent makes your life ‘bigger’.
I’ve written a fair bit here about my experience of infertility, how not being a mother goes on, long past the time of trying (and failing) to become a parent, and still the daily reminders sting (prick, cut, burn, bruise, break, brand – like all usual pains, it hurts differently on different days).
Regularly, in the talk about parenting and the writing about parenting, the way parenting is CONSTANTLY presented :
a) as if it’s special/unusual/not common (when it is the MOST usual state of adulthood in every time and every place)
b) as if ONLY being a parent helps us to understand love/life/humanity. I grant that only being a parent helps people to understand what it is to parent their specific children, but all big loves, especially selfless loves, teach us a bigger life
c) it’s possible that without one (or seven, in my parents case) specific human beings to concentrate on, people without children might well be giving differently – and just as valuably – to the world, but that’s NEVER part of the story
d) I think it’s great that many of us are trying harder to include each other in our thinking and speaking, trying harder to be more inclusive and generous. I know I still get it wrong but I do try, in my language, in my work, in my thinking, to be inclusive. Yet day after day I hear myself excluded as a non-parent from conversations, from sweeping statements about what constitutes love and caring to thinking about what matters in the world – as if only those who (might) have grandchildren have a stake in the future of our planet. Actually, we all do, and surely the regularly-stated “I want a healthy and happy world for my children/grandchildren” is pretty damn selfish anyway? Shouldn’t we want it for everyone’s children?
e) so I’m delighted to be doing Fertility Fest Flight Club on May 13th
Stella, as a “barren” woman (yes I’m my generation that term was used) I’ve lived all my adult life being pitied or similar (yes I’ve missed out apparently on this whole mother thing) I’ve looked after other people’s children , family and friends, for many years and had to make do with them! Now it’s grandchildren, and I’m excluded from that. It is sad, but I just have to redirect my thought processes. You give so much of yourself to everyone Stella, I hope your life can proceed positively without you feeling excluded.
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Boy, that feeling of not being a parent does hurt differently on different days, doesn’t it? I hope you’ll be writing about your Fertility Fest experience.
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it does Sylvia, thank you. it definitely does. AND I think it’s important to acknowledge those times we feel excluded, in order to both promote change and to remember that all of us are excluded in some way, at all times, so it’s sensible and kind for us all to be a bit more gentle in our speech and actions, if we can.
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I’m sure I will.
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Hi Stella,
It was really good to have your positivity booming through my radio yesterday as I drove home through the slush. I didn’t hear the very beginning of your interview, but as soon as I heard you speak, I was back at Totleigh, undertaking my first ever improv challenge; some memories never fade.
You sound so well – I hope that is the case.
Whatever you choose from your 55 Joys, make sure lying in the bluebells with Shelley is a priority.
Big hugs, Clare xx
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thank you so much Clare – first impro challenges never die!!
xx
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