I read this horrific piece ten minutes ago. Two women, a couple, beaten up on a London bus for refusing to let a gang of young men intimidate them into playthings for their male gaze.
I’m trying to pay attention to what is going on in my body. My stomach is churning, there is a shiver across my upper back and shoulder blades that won’t go away, my hands are shaky and it feels like maybe they want to form fists – to fight or to flee, maybe both. My legs are agitated, jumpy. This is fear. Actual physical fear.
THIS is what it’s like. Every fucking day that I am not behind the closed front door of my home. THIS is what it’s like to walk down the street with my wife and know that neither she nor I feel at ease holding each others’ hands let alone making any stronger gesture of love. THIS is what it’s like being queer and has been all of my adult life, most of my teenage life from the time I knew I was ‘different’ and was aware why I felt that way. Not knowing if we’re safe, not knowing what it might feel like to feel safe with my loved one. Never ever simply and naturally reaching for each other in public because we know this reaction from strangers is always possible. Hearing myself say ‘my wife’ and waiting for a reaction every bloody time. Because there is a reaction every bloody time. Even when it’s a positive and warm reaction there is a reaction. It is NOT ordinary, usual, ‘normal’.
To book a hotel room and be asked do I really mean a double room. To not go out on Valentine’s night (yes, the commercialism is rubbish) because we don’t want to stand out and be noticed, we want to be with each other, and nor do we want to go to a ghetto where yes, we’ll be safe, but at what cost – the cost of hiding. Again. Still.
This is what it’s like being LGBTQ in the UK today.
Pride should be about the truth. It should be about our fear and our loss and our worry. It should be about the elderly queer people who still fear coming out and who cannot be out to their carers. It should be about the teenager kicked out of home for being gay or lesbian or queer or trans or non-binary or whatever term they choose to apply to their own lives because their family want them to conform to some other idea of what is ok, what is acceptable. It is about all the constant, daily inequalities that range from irritating over-interest to verbal attacks to physical violence.
It didn’t get fixed with equal marriage – look at how many prospective PMs didn’t vote for it.
It didn’t get fixed with the equal age of consent.
It didn’t get fixed with Queer as Folk or The L Word or Ellen or Brokeback Mountain or Gentleman Jack or any number of out celebrities. Presence – still meagre anyway, still largely male in the media – does not do away with this. The visceral fear I feel sitting here, reading this article, in the safety of my own home.
We do not need a parade. We do not need a party. We do not need straight people appropriating our cause and having fun ‘with the gays’. We need Pride that says FUCK THIS SHIT. IT IS NOT FIXED.
There is work to do. There has always been work to do. There will always be work to do. Partying is for when the work is done.
Not Writing But Blogging 
Is it only those of us who are over 50, that so recognise the need to continue the struggle for rights? We do not have UK marriage equality, hate crimes are increasing. I am proud of who I am, proud to have been ‘out’ for over 45 years, proud to refer to my wife. I do not feel that ‘Pride’ is for me, a protest, a campaign , a programme of education, that’s what we need!
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I agree, but I also have very many young friends – esp trans and non-binary young friends – who are way more interested in change and education and making a difference than in partying. perhaps because the struggle is still so hard for them at this time.
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I can’t remember the last time I saw queer people represented in a way that didn’t show being gay as one big celebration. It’s all rainbow colours, smiling faces and vague messages about love being love.
There is more than one way to dehumanise a group of people. The most common is to make them less than human, an animal, a slave. But you can also make them more than human. Turn them into celestial happy beings that reign over a nonstop orgy, and I think this is where we may be now. Every aspect of gay representation isn’t allowed to be angry or political anymore. If you are gay and you look a certain way and live a certain way, then what have you got to moan about? All that disposable income and no kids to have to spend it on etc.
The scariest aspect to this is that groups of people who are not taken seriously, groups that aren’t seen as being to protect themselves, are ultimately easy to oppress. Rainbows are all safe curves with not sharp corners after all.
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YES!
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I agree with everyone’s comments, unfortunately, perhaps because I’m older. I’m also American, and it’s the exact same situation here. The last time I went to a Pride parade, it was a little depressing to find staff representing their employers (banks, supermarkets) and every Boston politician marching with us—I thought I was nuts, but perhaps not? Perhaps instead I saw what Jamie has written so well about.
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Keep fighting!
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I cried when I read these words. I agree with every single word. I am a 48 year old straight woman. I have a gay brother whom I love with every ounce of my being. Cousins of both sexes that are in same sex relationships and a young niece struggling to “fit in”. Also a great uncle, who’s sadly passed, that was a pioneer, a true legend and hero. Undergoing gender reassignment in its infancy in the 70’s which was far from the sympathetic and compassionate but still gruelling process that it is today. He was born Marion and his original death certificate still bore that name It took almost a decade for it to be legally changed to Marcus. I live in fear of a phone call or knock at the door to say something’s happened. PRIDE should be an opportunity to celebrate diversity , to rage against inequality and persecution, to educate the ignorant and stand proudly with those we love.
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thank you Lorraine and strength to you as an ally to your family members. x
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That’s it, Lorraine. Pride should be more political, as it once was. I remember being jeered and spat upon, and threatened during the first Pride in NYC, a few years after Stonewall (50 years ago!). People reacted against AIDS/HIV people with rubber gloves, literally, and so-called God’s will. I think for one thing we’re all exhausted, there’s so much to try to defend, protect, redo, fight against now, and yet again.
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I wept as I read this so thank you Stella for articulating my thoughts and feelings so clearly
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Hello – thank you for a tremendous post here. I am a straight woman and feel that most of what you say applies to women in general, all over the damn world. There is a saying that men on a first date hope to get laid and women hope not to get murdered – pretty telling, don’t we think? We are – as females everywhere – forever on the very tiring alert for danger. And yes, I know the phrase “not all men” but.. certainly too many of them make our lives difficult in both small and big ways. Time it bloody stopped. None of us, gay or straight, should have to be careful where we sit on the bus, or think twice about walking down a dark road, or wearing a short skirt, or holding hands with a partner. My daughter has a female partner – I hoped the world would be better and more tolerant than this for them. I still hope it will be for their daughter.
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Oh my word, I’m a woman and I’m not giving myself a title because why should we . My god why is it so bloody difficult for Bigots to accept people of the same sex to be in love. Who are they harming. I’m all for Pride because it’s a celebration for everyone. I’ve been crying because people can be so cruel. I grew up with two men and they had to live a lie for so many years. I’m a 65 year old woman and I’ve been a volunteer when I was younger and I received an award for my part in the men and women partnering. I’m sorry if that sounds vague but I refuse to use title..
My mantra is and has always been LIVE AND LET LIVE.
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thank Judy, I do believe things are changing, but yes, the male gaze, male appropriation of space and (not all men) men’s sense of entitlement is a real problem – as much for men as for women. I’m sure your daughter & her family value your support.
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I only have one thing to say. WHY??? Why is it so hard??
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I enjoyed reading your post. You perfectly highlight that behind the celebration that Pride has become, many LGBTQ people are still attacked for being out, and that should have more room on the table for discussion.
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