So. I have breast cancer again.
This is rubbish, depressing, worrying and also kind of amazing – 14 years since the last one! My body (and the medics) did good.
I expect to get a surgery date in a few days and, all being well, will be having a mastectomy and reconstruction. (A few tricky bits to do with having already had some surgery and radiotherapy to the same site, AND with having lost 20lbs – intentionally, in the past year – so there’s less ‘useful’ reconstructive fat!, but hopefully we can get round that.)
Please don’t tell me about diets and miracle cures – medicine, sensible eating, acupuncture, massage and a ton of chanting did great for me last time, I expect to do all of that again, but in no way would I only do ONE of those things. I’ll take all the cures I can get. I just won’t take any miracles. They don’t exist.
Please don’t tell me to rest. Why? IF this is a bad one (and we won’t know until post-surgery) why on earth would I live my life any less than I’m already doing? Work (writing, speaking, Fun Palaces) is not WORK, as in a horrible thing, to me. It is WORK, as in what I care about, what I believe in, what I am driven to do and passionate for, what I am living for. I AM passionate and driven. I do not see these as bad things. (And yes, of course I’ll rest post-surgery, but after that, no, I won’t be cutting back on LIVING.)
What does it do to Fun Palaces? Nothing at all, except make me even more passionate about inclusion, engagement. Can we get more hospitals engaged? Can we enthuse more venues to engage with medical scientists? Can we make sure our Fun Palaces are accessible for sick and/or disabled people too? Can we do it all, and more? (Also had a wonderful conversation about Fun Palaces and arts and medicine with doc WHILE he was taking biopsy the other day. Really inspiring and hopeful for our professions, our missions, working together.)
There’s also a brilliant team of already-engaged, already-enthused volunteer Fun Palaces maker-mates, who are ready and willing to take over the email-answering while I have a couple of weeks to get my strength back post-op. (But hey, post-op from-bed emailing is what laptops are all about, right?!)
And of course there is Sarah-Jane. My work partner, my friend, my co-believer in the brilliance, strength and NECESSITY of the project. If I happen to be too tired to come to those speaking engagements we’ve already talked about, she’ll do it. Fun Palaces is hers too.
(nb, I admit, I have been a little nervous about talking about this publicly, scared it will scare off potential Fun Palace funders. But I have always been public about my experience of cancer, I think we make a difference when we are public about illness, as with any coming out, our honesty helps others. I have been so very helped by the honesty of a few friends about their illness in the past days. And so I have now chosen to believe that the funders are as capable as I am of believing in the wider project and not being scared off by one person’s illness.)
What does it do to my writing work? Nothing at all. It all stays on track, new book to deliver (third draft!) to agent in spring. And I’m totally up for all the same events/workshops etc as soon as I’m recovered from surgery. The mentoring continues – that one can be done prone!
What does it do to my directing work? See above. Working on the new idea with Lisa Hammond and Rachael Spence will continue. Work with Shaky Isles will continue. Times and people are flexible and willing.
So, finally, what does it do to my life? Everything and nothing.
I had cancer 14 years ago. It was terrifying and awful. In many ways the worst part about it was that chemo led to my early infertility and me not being able to be a mother.
Having had cancer means I’m fore-armed. I know loads now. I know my surgeon and breast care nurse. I know they know me. I do not have to persuade them that I’m freelance and need to work. They know that, just like last time, I have no sick pay. And unlike last time, I’m not about to go to the US to do a show (and taking chemo with me!)
I have never felt like I was “all clear”. I had a grade 3 breast cancer, surgery, chemo and radiotherapy at 36. OF COURSE I have always known it might come back. I think my body has done so well to get me this far. I trust it will get me through this and on to the next part of my life.
It is horrible for Shelley, it is horrible for my family and friends, it is horrible for me. None of us wants to go through pain and illness.
BUT, even when I’m down and sad about this (and I have been, and will no doubt be again), I know I have waves of love and determination coming at me from those who love and care for me.
I know I have a HUGE dream – the Fun Palaces project – to achieve. I believe that my being ill now can feed that dream, can help us make even better Fun Palaces, more inclusive Fun Palaces, I don’t think this will detract from the project at all, not my ability to create it, nor OUR ability to make it the best we ALL can.
I don’t think I’m being stupidly positive. I think I’m being the only thing I can be – me, who does getting on with it.
If you’re a close mate and we haven’t had a chance to tell you yet, I’m REALLY sorry. We have been trying to tell people and hoping people would tell people, but I know there are bound to be people we’ve missed. My apologies.
And yes, I do think there’s another show in this. Breaststrokes 2, The Return, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the pool …
I’m off to the gym now. Have a great day. xxx
Edited to add – to anyone having a bad cancer day, I have OF COURSE had them. I’ve no doubt I will again. That’s why I posted this on a good day! You feel whatever you feel. As my Buddhist practice teaches, “Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy.” Both are valid.
Thank you for sharing this with us – with those of us who know you through the blog and not in person but who, because of the way you write, feel as if we are connected to you. I love your approach to this – getting on with it, doing the things you care about, being who you are. I haven’t got any profound advice for you, not being qualified to give any. Just thanks, and best wishes, and I’ll be rooting for you. Me and a host of people.
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Good. Onwards. ❤
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… oh, that looks weird, me using our shorthand here. Good post, good plan, good gods, how we love you 🙂
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“Breaststrokes 2, The Return, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the pool …”
Hah! I really look forward to seeing this!! xxxx
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You have always appeared like a strong level headed person and you seem to know what to expect. . I sincerely hope all goes well for you. . I’m still enjoying the books I bought at YLAF but only read when on holiday . So 3 times a year. . But love reading your blogs.
Take care.
Catherine
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More than a nightmare but your determination is a lesson to us all. Take great care. Sarah
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Hit ‘like’ which doesn’t really say what I want it to say, but hey-ho. Brilliant piece, Stella. Carry on being you. And good luck.
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Being a source of inspiration whilst you’re dealing with something as big as this in your life is far beyond the call of duty. And it was probably neither your intention nor a perceived “duty”. But you have done it again. You never fail to move and shake me when you share your thinking, let alone when you choose to share so huge a moment in your personal life. So, with huge thanks for the energy (and integrity, warmth, humour, passion, humanity and engagement) with which you share via your writing and your other work, and in recognition of the impact of that sharing on me, on others, here’s a big dose of energy back at you – along with a bit of love and a warming hug – to help you through, and beyond, this next stage of your journey (the daunting treatments AND the exciting, tho’ probably exhausting, work projects). Thank you, Stella, for your power and work to date. Here’s looking forward to more x
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You are an inspiration to many. Long may that continue.
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Thanks for such a typically brilliant — and brilliantly typical — post, Stella. Your talent for onwardsness is never less than inspirational, & never more so than now. Much love and companerismo. xx
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onwardsness. totally a show title. xxxx
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Hi Stella,
Thanks for a brilliant blog and speaking so eloquently about the importance of work. I’m going through a similar journey – different cancer same shit and working helps. So there will be at least one other Fun Palace made by someone with cancer. Today at hospital I was thinking about how my how to get our work in children’s wards. Still to much to do.
Take care Sally
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boy oh boy. Terrible news. But I’m so amazed at all you’re doing. Extremely inspiring without cancer, with cancer, doubly inspiring. Enjoy what there is to enjoy, indeed. Sending you all the joys.
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All good wishes to you and may you soon be healthy again. I’ll send healing thoughts in my meditations. Can’t do any harm! A lovely friend of mine used her recent cancer journey as an opportunity to complete her book and give it, and getting better, her complete focus.
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thank you Sally. I suspect there are probably quite a few of us, and the oddness in the arts about talking about illness means we are not always able to be honest with each other. I am grateful for your honesty. and thrilled we are all in the Fun Palacing together. xx
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Wise and courageous and wonderfully true to you Stella. We know we are lucky to have you in our lives. In this post you have just given the world one more reason to be lucky to have you too.
As if Fun Palaces 2014 was enough of a gift already…
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Move forward…
best love xxxx
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So sorry to hear Stella, wishing you all the strength and courage that you need and to Shelley too. You are an inspirational woman and as someone said above the world is lucky to have you in it.
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Mama Stella
I will sing, chant & haka for you in every place special to me in Aotearoa. Thank you for being you. All our aroha to you and Shelley, and to all those who provide the loving space to allow you to be the best you that you have always been. Arohanui, Aaron, Gina & Kaahu
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Oh Aaron, thank you. You give my love to that land and sea and make sure it knows I’m drawing strength from it all the way to here. And from your aroha. Love to the you all from us, as ever. Xxxx
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Thank you Shelley. X
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Terrible news that’s all I can say really
You are amazing to share your illness in a frank manner
X
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Love and admiration from a stranger who’s been there – it’s tough but you are strong
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It’s impossible to tread the same steps and leave the same marks. Last time I had beautiful, pendulous breasts with super sensitive nipples, but next time…well, I hope there won’t be a next time, but if there is, then I hope I can be as brave as your blog tells me you are. Hopes and dreams are with you today, and every day onwards
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I was very moved by your post, Stella. I wish you all the good wishes in the world and will think of you doing all the right things with the right attitude. Take care …
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Ah, thank you Adele. X
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Wow. And indeed onwards. And rooting for you. Does that work too, alongside everything else?
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oh yes. thank you.
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oh bollocks.
now for measured reaction –
you are a woman full of words and life and always sharing them both with your friends, collaborators and audience. looking forward to more works from you and an unforgettable fun palaces weekend. go fight and hope to meet you one day in the south london we love
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Stella, you are simply lovely!
Reading and re-reading your post tonight re-affirms the feeling of warmth and kindness I encountered upon talking to you at the DRM carnival back in 2012. I still smile about it to this day 🙂
To share such intimate detail about your journey… I can feel your strength through your words, it not only enriches life but is an inspiration to appreciate the good and bad times, which I agree are equally valid. Thank you so much for your words!
Emma xxx
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hah! both of those are also my reactions. x
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Oh Stella, can’t believe what i have just read.. You are so lovely and I wish you lots of strength and courage, and to Shelley too.. Love Joy xxx
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All possible digest will remain crossed until instructed otherwise.
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GUTTERED! That’s shit, shit news. Love your blog,love your attitude, but still shit news. Gonna go off now and have a wee cry for you, then get up tomorrow morning and have an awesome day for you. Hate the news, love you.
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oh Gina, thank you my darling. all love to you all. xx
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Some inspiring straight talking. thanks. I promised G I’ll go shout ‘fuck off cancer’ at the sea at Cape Palliser. Keep on travelling well. H
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and give my love to the land right behind you as you shout and tell it I love it. thank you.
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Oh Stell, that is just so unfair, not right, and just plain SHIT. But being the astonishing amazon of light that we all know you are, I have no doubt you’ll send it all packing with a resounding “fuck you”. As for telling you to slow down, I’d have better luck suggesting the same to Usain Bolt in the 100 metre finals. Fuck that. Sending you and Shelley huge amounts of love, positive energy, and of course nuffles, from me Shaz and Nat in Sydney town. XXXXX
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Love, love and more love to you, Stella xxxx
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Stell’
You have always been fabulous. And you continue so to be.
Cxx
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Xxxxx
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Darling, so sorry to think you have to go through this again, but you’re right, you know so much more this time & there is so much love being sent to you. I’m gutted for you & Shell, but know that you’ll be such as brilliant as you always are. Helen & I are sending you all our love & thinking of you both. Love Lor xxx
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So well put. I wish you fortitude when you need it, fun when you don’t and a swift return to health. x
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As a healthcare worker, your #FunPalaces link inspires me to get out of the institutional mindset. Hastings & St Leonards may yet have one. I wish you time & comfort. Best wishes to you and yours.
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there is a real interest in a Hastings/St Leonard’s Fun Palace, and I truly believe the arts/healthcare crossover is vital for it. do you tweet? I could link you to those who do. or if you leave a message here
http://funpalaces.co.uk/taking-part/discussion/suggest-a-discussion-topic/
I could direct them to it and they and you could start making plans!
and thank you for your good wishes.
(also to all those above, format here doesn’t let me leave replies under each, which is a shame, as I’d like to wish many thanks and love, esp to those old friends in touch here.) xxx
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I’m sorry to hear about have breast cancer. I wish you all the luck in the world. i would like to ask ,Do you planning on writing another book. Love for you to write a new. Take care of yourself and always remember there people out there I know that love you.Stay strong for them!!!!!:)
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Yes, I’m working on my new book now. Thank you.
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Oh bum. Life can be SO tough. We chatted a while back re writing, having breast cancer (7 years post for me) and life in general and it is indeed a horrible thing to have to go through again. Hoping you are having a lot more good days than bad ones and that the operation etc etc go as well as they bl**dy well can! You are a fabulous and inspirational woman. Look forward to seeing you fit and well on the other side. Love Suzie x
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I am new to the world of breast cancer – only diagnosed last week, and at the moment, I only know that it is stage 2, which makes me one of the lucky ones, I think. A close friend forwarded me a link to your blog – you’ve helped me eradicate any self-pity from my response to my situation, so a great big thank you for that. Keep up the good work, and best of luck for a really speedy recovery from your surgery.
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Oh thank you so much for saying that. I was having a bit of a feeling-sorry-for-myself day today – a tussle between veins and cannula – and then I was asked about joining a campaign called “Walk in Her Shoes” (I’ll add a link later), raising money for the millions of women who walk miles every day simply for clean water and it got my thinking how immensely fortunate I am to have this healthcare and a home and a bed to rest in. And I’m sure I too will have more scared and worried and self-obsessed days to come, but I am really grateful I was nudged to look at the bigger picture. And very grateful to you for letting me know I was of use.
I wish you the very best of journeys. It is a journey, you may well be slightly – or a lot – different when you get to the end of this one. But there will be gifts if value on the way. I promise. (Sometimes we have to look bloody hard to find them though!!) xxx
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Funny you should say that…the bizarre phrase ‘the gift of cancer’ has been popping into my head a lot in the last few days. Positive changes and good things will come of your experiences and mine, I ‘m sure.
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Oh those gifts will come, if we dig them out!!
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Haven’t been on Facebook etc for sooo long. Logged in just by chance and saw some worrying comments so ended up reading your blog. So sorry to hear about your cancer return. Sounds like you are in great hands though and so can just send my love and all the good thoughts I can. Will definitely log in more often now, just to hear how you are doing.
Much love – Anne
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thank you Anne, am aware there are old friends who might not have heard on the grapevine and had hoped fb and this blog might also prove a useful story-sharer for them. for you. xx
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Same as Anne above. Just read your blog too and so sorry to hear your news. Am sending my love to you both. Best, Jackie xx
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Thank you Jackie. Xx
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