I’m rubbish at crying. Really, rubbish at it. I used to be good at it – in my teens perhaps, certainly my early 20s, I used to allow myself to fall into the deep sobbing, the snot, the flow. But since a slew of early deaths of dearest beloveds, since my cancers, since mortality and painful-death-fear became a regular companion rather than a rare visitor, since the infertility losses … the tears slowly dried up. I couldn’t face those physical jaw-wrenching howls and so I stopped. I have allowed the odd tear here and there, a useful sad telly or movie for a sob that allowed other feelings to seep up, but not a lot and not often. Sometimes in therapy I have had a ‘good’ cry, but even then, it’s brief and difficult. I often feel very emotional about work stuff, about the ‘making a difference/making connections’ of our Fun Palaces work or in writing mentoring/teaching, but none of it is the traditional big old, good old cry.
Of course I know this isn’t good for me. Of course I understand that crying is beneficial for the physical body as well as the spiritual and emotional self (and that all these ‘selves’ are joined up anyway). And yet it is what has happened in the past couple of decades. Even when I have started to cry, to let it out, it doesn’t go far or last long.
However … I am now three months into my yoga teacher training (one weekend a month and homework and thinking and daily practice and a wonderful group of people to learn with and from) and something is shifting. It’s come from therapy too, obviously, but it’s also come from where we are right now in the world – in terms of climate change and in terms of politics, all the awful, dark, brutal politics. I found myself, just now, tearing up at a friend’s facebook post about a political situation. The hopelessness. The sadness. The loss of power.
I think, perhaps, if I can allow the tears, there might be something else there too. Some hope or strength or vision or … something. Light. There might be light.
I could do with some light right now. I think perhaps many of us could. Crying towards the light.