Ok, well I can’t be sure this baby was freshly-bathed (I thought it would be a bit rude to ask her) but she smelled delicious, and I loved holding her.

I’ve just had lunch with my gorgeous friend Kas, who has brought a delicious new person into the lives of those of us who love her, a Chaosbaby to join our Chaosbaby tribe. It was brilliant to see Kas for the first time since she gave birth, to see both her old self and her new self, very much entwined in her beautiful self, and it was a huge pleasure to hold her lovely daughter and have the alert and bright not quite four-month-old slowly become still and calm in my arms and then do me the great privilege of falling asleep on me, close to my heart.

There was a time, not that long ago, when the babies of my loved ones (and much as I didn’t want this to be the case) caused me sorrow as well as joy (I am grateful that even in the worst times of my infertility losses I have always been able to feel joy for the pregnancies and births and children of my loved ones) and while I acknowledge that there is a residual ouch that I do not get to have that my child experience (whatever that may be and aware it manifests differently for every person) – at least not in this lifetime – I am so glad  that these days the joy far outweighs the sad. Like any grief, it has changed with time.

My left arm still feels a little heavy with holding. Lucky me.


Some Chaosbaby working and making images below. Here are the show images – all by the amazing Jen Toksvig.